haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
