My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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