I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
