my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
