they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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