I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
