and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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