That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
