It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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