there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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