So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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