dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
