Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
