do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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