Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
