nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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