I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
