Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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