Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
