I met the friendliest cop last night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
