My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
