Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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