She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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