What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
