I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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