Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
