somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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