My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
