oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
