Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
