Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
