it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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