All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
so much tequila, so little girl.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
