I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
