my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
