I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
