If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
