Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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