My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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