we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
