I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
