i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Actions speak louder than pants.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
