You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The air taste purple.
Randomize
