end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
