I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
