she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Randomize
