How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
