Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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