I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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