Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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