Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
