Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
