When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
